I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
