I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
