I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
