Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
