Where did you get a picture of my penis
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
