there's paper in my vomit.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
