your thong is hanging out like whoa
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
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