theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
time to smoke my breakfast
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
