Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize