I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He shit in the fireplace
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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