I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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