listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Enjoy the penises
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
