Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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