i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
