Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
