Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
