would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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