what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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