New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize