shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
