I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
