Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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