I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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