Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
