I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize