My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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