3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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