3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
