At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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