I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
