I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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