I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
