you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
