i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
