I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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