she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
