When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
