Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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