That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
