oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
