I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
