The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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