Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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