Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
