If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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