You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
