lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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