I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
