I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
