Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize