There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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