I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
