dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
