What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
