maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
