You made me cry and you don't even care
Your tits are I can't wait for
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
