The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
