I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
