the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize