I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
