There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
