someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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