I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize