You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
