There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize