Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
