i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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