GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
