please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
