i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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