the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
