So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize